801. Today's good advice...
"Never patronize a doctor whose office plants have died."
-Erma Bombeck
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802a. Bodda bing ...
I met this woman in a bar and one thing led to another.
I finally said, "Hey, let's go back to my place."
She asked, "Uh, do you have cable?"
I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should do just fine..."
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b. Bodda boom ..
The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude middle-aged woman.
"Don't be alarmed, Sonny," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the young man proceeded to ask the routine questions.
"And, how many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen!" The lady replied.
"Eighteen???" he gasped. "Lady, you're not a nudist -- you just don't have time to get dressed!"
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803. Good things about getting older
It gets harder and harder to make those sexual harassment charges to stick.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember anything either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
You don't need the shingles with the 30-year guarantee. (Your shingles are different!)
There's really nothing left to learn the hard way.
Your joints are far more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Protecting your eyes during a solar eclipse isn't quite as important as it used to be.
Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes absolute economic sense.
You may never have to vacuum under the bed again!
In a hostage situation you are always likely to be released first.
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804. Country Western song
"If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Who Will ..."
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805. Oh, well.
Two friends were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear.
He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"What?" said Joe.
"YOU HAVE A SUPPOSITORY IN YOUR LEFT EAR!" said Ed.
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it.
"Ah," said Joe, "I think I know where my hearing aid is ..."